Saturday, October 27, 2012
caveat
Admittedly, the majority of these posts have been about issues within a relationship, rather than explicit instructions on the execution of ecstasy. However, in order to have a strong physical relationship it is imperative to have a strong interpersonal relationship. If you bear with me for a few more posts about issues, I promise I'll get down to the nitty gritty details!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
progenic choice
There's something innate, something untouchable about this next topic, and not in the look-but-don't-touch sense. The logical brain wants to take over, adhering to nothing but the facts.
I'm referring to the choice of having children or not.
For many, choice is not exactly a factor. One night of unprotected bliss and suddenly you find yourselves with another life to care for. Or you find yourself with another choice that needs to be made. Both of which will change your lives irrevocably, and while I could go into the musings behind each decision, I will not. It is a personal choice and only one that you and your partner can decide.
So, let's stop beating around the bush and return to the original topic: progeny.
Obviously, it is better to have this topic of discussion before things get all hot and heavy, but what happens when one wants to have children and the other doesn't? Is it possible to satisfy both?
In short, the answer is no.
The lengthy response is this:
It is important to note why one wants to have children. Do they think it is a biological imperative? That in order to be a functioning member of society one needs to have children to be successful? Or is it something more instinctual? The need to nurture others?
On the flip side of things: Did they have a difficult childhood? Are they afraid they will repeat the faults of their parents? Or is it that they value their autonomy and independence?
By answering these questions it will allow you to understand the other's perspective. Once you have that understanding you may be able to concede the other's choice and respect their decision. Or at least that is the hope.
In any relationship there is a time for compromise, but this is not one of them. The two of you need to agree on one choice or another. This may take months, or years, but in the end it needs to happen. Otherwise, one person is left forever wanting and the other is satisfied and a whole new slew of issues can arise from this. Such circumstances do not bode well for future endeavors.
So, talk about it. Hash it out. Scream and shout if you really need to, but do not ignore it.
On this subject, and possibly this one alone, it is NOT possible to agree to disagree.
I'm referring to the choice of having children or not.
For many, choice is not exactly a factor. One night of unprotected bliss and suddenly you find yourselves with another life to care for. Or you find yourself with another choice that needs to be made. Both of which will change your lives irrevocably, and while I could go into the musings behind each decision, I will not. It is a personal choice and only one that you and your partner can decide.
So, let's stop beating around the bush and return to the original topic: progeny.
Obviously, it is better to have this topic of discussion before things get all hot and heavy, but what happens when one wants to have children and the other doesn't? Is it possible to satisfy both?
In short, the answer is no.
The lengthy response is this:
It is important to note why one wants to have children. Do they think it is a biological imperative? That in order to be a functioning member of society one needs to have children to be successful? Or is it something more instinctual? The need to nurture others?
On the flip side of things: Did they have a difficult childhood? Are they afraid they will repeat the faults of their parents? Or is it that they value their autonomy and independence?
By answering these questions it will allow you to understand the other's perspective. Once you have that understanding you may be able to concede the other's choice and respect their decision. Or at least that is the hope.
In any relationship there is a time for compromise, but this is not one of them. The two of you need to agree on one choice or another. This may take months, or years, but in the end it needs to happen. Otherwise, one person is left forever wanting and the other is satisfied and a whole new slew of issues can arise from this. Such circumstances do not bode well for future endeavors.
So, talk about it. Hash it out. Scream and shout if you really need to, but do not ignore it.
On this subject, and possibly this one alone, it is NOT possible to agree to disagree.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
costume party
Another topic that appears to be common in relationships is clothing choice. Whether it is the every day attire, or just what is worn in the bedroom, conflicts can happen. How is the issue resolved without causing a fight? Is it possible to make two people happy at the same time if they have opposing views?
Let me set the scene: One person is wanting to find that perfect little dress to match those killer shoes, those little underthings to match that dress to make the whole outfit zing!
Their partner does not see the point of it all. The clothes will just end up in a heap on the floor within minutes. Why bother?
(Before I go any further I'd like to note that these views are not determined by gender! But it would appear that the old adage: 'opposites attract' is correct, otherwise this wouldn't be a topic of discussion!)
For some, a perfect outfit is a way to instill confidence. It gives the wearer a greater sense of who they are. It is a way for them to be unique among the crowd. Or, in some cases, a way to fit into the masses. Whatever the psychology behind it, it gives them the strength they need to deal with everything that gets tossed at them - think of it as armor against the atrocities of life in a world gone insane. Yes, I realize that this statement is a bit over the top, but it illustrates the idea I'm trying to convey.
For others, it is a simpler, base response. They find it attractive and arousing.
Since this is a blog about ecstasy, I am going to ignore the first reasoning and offer the answer to a question about the second: What happens when one person is aroused by clothing/costumes/lingerie and the other is not?
Now, you may think that this would be an easily answered question, but if there are other issues happening within the relationship, then things can get a bit sticky (and not in the fun way). This issue can snowball, turn into an avalanche sooner than expected and suddenly you've found yourself beneath the weight of sixty feet of snow. If you want to survive, the only answer is: pull yourself out!
And how do you do that?
Costume change! Stage left!
Let me set the scene: One person is wanting to find that perfect little dress to match those killer shoes, those little underthings to match that dress to make the whole outfit zing!
Their partner does not see the point of it all. The clothes will just end up in a heap on the floor within minutes. Why bother?
(Before I go any further I'd like to note that these views are not determined by gender! But it would appear that the old adage: 'opposites attract' is correct, otherwise this wouldn't be a topic of discussion!)
For some, a perfect outfit is a way to instill confidence. It gives the wearer a greater sense of who they are. It is a way for them to be unique among the crowd. Or, in some cases, a way to fit into the masses. Whatever the psychology behind it, it gives them the strength they need to deal with everything that gets tossed at them - think of it as armor against the atrocities of life in a world gone insane. Yes, I realize that this statement is a bit over the top, but it illustrates the idea I'm trying to convey.
For others, it is a simpler, base response. They find it attractive and arousing.
Since this is a blog about ecstasy, I am going to ignore the first reasoning and offer the answer to a question about the second: What happens when one person is aroused by clothing/costumes/lingerie and the other is not?
Now, you may think that this would be an easily answered question, but if there are other issues happening within the relationship, then things can get a bit sticky (and not in the fun way). This issue can snowball, turn into an avalanche sooner than expected and suddenly you've found yourself beneath the weight of sixty feet of snow. If you want to survive, the only answer is: pull yourself out!
And how do you do that?
Costume change! Stage left!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
plus one = three?
Invariably this topic will be explored in a relationship, whether it is current or back in those wild and crazy college days. He's interested in having another woman in your bed, she's interested in having another man, they're both interested in having another woman, whatever the case may be there's discussion of another. (I'm going with the hetero/bi model here, not because of a bias, but because my experience has been talking with women married to men.)
I think the common professional notion about this is: if you are looking for sex elsewhere, then there is something deeply wrong with your current relationship. While sometimes this is definitely the case, what happens when it's not? What happens when your current relationship is filled with bliss, but it's one of those fantasies you've dreamed about but never acted upon? Is it really any different than buying lingerie that is not your usual style? Or suddenly deciding that always wearing your favorite baseball cap during sex is just the thing to do? Yes, these things appear to be smaller, but are they really? Aren't they just another aspect of your sexuality?
So, let's say that your current relationship is wonderful. There is no reason to call it quits and you're just looking to explore new things. If you've been in a short term relationship, I think this has potential. If you've been in a long term relationship it is also possible. The issues that can arise from such escapades are fast and furious, like a river flooding after the spring melt, but it is possible. IF you can find a stable person who is willing to join you. And that would appear to be the key factor!
This third person needs to be willing to wedge themselves between the two of you sexually, without getting too attached emotionally. You need to be upfront with them from the very beginning. Letting them know from the start your current relationship is solid and you do not want it to change. Is this possible? For some it will be, for others it is just asking for disaster.
When you add another person, you are not just adding in another body. There's a heart and mind attached, and for most, sex equals emotional attachment. Being completely honest in the beginning is insurance on the possibilities of later.
What happens if one of you falls for the third party? Well, then your relationship wasn't really as solid as you first thought and the act never should have happened, but since it did it can't be undone and that topic should probably be explored in another post.
I think the common professional notion about this is: if you are looking for sex elsewhere, then there is something deeply wrong with your current relationship. While sometimes this is definitely the case, what happens when it's not? What happens when your current relationship is filled with bliss, but it's one of those fantasies you've dreamed about but never acted upon? Is it really any different than buying lingerie that is not your usual style? Or suddenly deciding that always wearing your favorite baseball cap during sex is just the thing to do? Yes, these things appear to be smaller, but are they really? Aren't they just another aspect of your sexuality?
So, let's say that your current relationship is wonderful. There is no reason to call it quits and you're just looking to explore new things. If you've been in a short term relationship, I think this has potential. If you've been in a long term relationship it is also possible. The issues that can arise from such escapades are fast and furious, like a river flooding after the spring melt, but it is possible. IF you can find a stable person who is willing to join you. And that would appear to be the key factor!
This third person needs to be willing to wedge themselves between the two of you sexually, without getting too attached emotionally. You need to be upfront with them from the very beginning. Letting them know from the start your current relationship is solid and you do not want it to change. Is this possible? For some it will be, for others it is just asking for disaster.
When you add another person, you are not just adding in another body. There's a heart and mind attached, and for most, sex equals emotional attachment. Being completely honest in the beginning is insurance on the possibilities of later.
What happens if one of you falls for the third party? Well, then your relationship wasn't really as solid as you first thought and the act never should have happened, but since it did it can't be undone and that topic should probably be explored in another post.
Monday, October 8, 2012
the small stuff
In my last post I mentioned the little things (the kiss upon returning from work) and after some thought I realized that with the every day that's really what matters. The common saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff." does not apply. Yes, you read that correctly, but did you comprehend it? Really?
In the beginning of your relationship you try some of these little things out, the small romantic gestures that are the tried and true expressions of your devotion. He'll bring you flowers and chocolates. You'll go see that action movie he's excited about. He'll make a fabulous dinner at his place, you'll bring dessert and you'll both decide that each other is more interesting than anything with chocolate icing. Remember those days?
They are not gone. They are not lost forever.
It's difficult to do these things, especially with kids and jobs and pets and ... the list of daily obligations goes on and on, but they are important.
So, sweat the small stuff, just a little and if you can think of one little thing that you haven't done in a few months - do it!
In the beginning of your relationship you try some of these little things out, the small romantic gestures that are the tried and true expressions of your devotion. He'll bring you flowers and chocolates. You'll go see that action movie he's excited about. He'll make a fabulous dinner at his place, you'll bring dessert and you'll both decide that each other is more interesting than anything with chocolate icing. Remember those days?
They are not gone. They are not lost forever.
It's difficult to do these things, especially with kids and jobs and pets and ... the list of daily obligations goes on and on, but they are important.
So, sweat the small stuff, just a little and if you can think of one little thing that you haven't done in a few months - do it!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
getting a rise
Ok, the first one is a little off-format, but I thought it'd be the best one to start off with, if for no other reason than this topic is generally thought to be a rarity. However, in my experience, it's more common than you think!
Statement: My husband doesn't appear to be interested in sex anymore.
My standard reply begins with questions:
How long has this been happening? Are there health concerns?
If the answers to these are: not long and no health issues. Then I move on to other questions, such as: What are you doing to gain his interest? Are you just hoping that the timing is right at the end of the day? or are you actively engaging him? When you return from work, do you greet him with a kiss? or just begin bitching about the horrors of your day?
(If the answer to these initial questions are: months/years, and yes, there are health issues, then the thoughts below will only take you so far, and there are larger issues that will not be addressed in this post.)
These may appear to be small things, but if you think back to when you were dating, it was probably these small things that tipped the scales to make the two of you an item.
So, what where the things you did? Are they something you're still willing to do?
If they are, then start from there. If you're able to gain his interest back with these little things, then the romance wasn't really lost, it was just diluted by the mundane tasks of the day to day.
If children are a part of your relationship, then obviously this becomes more complicated, and something that should be a topic alone, but the quickest solution is: find adult time! carve it out of your weekly schedule if you have to, but make it happen! even 30 minutes a month can make a difference when there was nothing!
Statement: My husband doesn't appear to be interested in sex anymore.
My standard reply begins with questions:
How long has this been happening? Are there health concerns?
If the answers to these are: not long and no health issues. Then I move on to other questions, such as: What are you doing to gain his interest? Are you just hoping that the timing is right at the end of the day? or are you actively engaging him? When you return from work, do you greet him with a kiss? or just begin bitching about the horrors of your day?
(If the answer to these initial questions are: months/years, and yes, there are health issues, then the thoughts below will only take you so far, and there are larger issues that will not be addressed in this post.)
These may appear to be small things, but if you think back to when you were dating, it was probably these small things that tipped the scales to make the two of you an item.
So, what where the things you did? Are they something you're still willing to do?
If they are, then start from there. If you're able to gain his interest back with these little things, then the romance wasn't really lost, it was just diluted by the mundane tasks of the day to day.
If children are a part of your relationship, then obviously this becomes more complicated, and something that should be a topic alone, but the quickest solution is: find adult time! carve it out of your weekly schedule if you have to, but make it happen! even 30 minutes a month can make a difference when there was nothing!
Greetings!
Hello! and Welcome! to the boudoir of Mrs.X!
Within the dark corners of our minds we all have questions that embarrass us. Questions that linger in our minds and take root somewhere near our hearts. When the words are at the surface, too close to ignore, we find ourselves stuttering and stammering over them. No doubt wondering why it is so difficult to bring them out into the light.
This blog has been created especially for those questions!
Why? you may ask ... over the years people have gravitated towards me to ask such questions. Their mouths form words as if I've given them an elixir of truth and their troubles are put out onto the table for me to see the entire deck of cards that they hold. After these truths have been heard, most listen to the advice I have to give and many return with a few more. One of particular note has even praised that my advice was better than her psychologist's!
Unfortunately, I do not have the time, money or inclination to go out and get another degree, and since I have no intention of setting up a practice any time soon, it seems ludicrous given my current circumstances (I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and think there are better ways to spend my time which do not include sitting in a classroom filled with people half my age!) so, a blog seemed like the best of both worlds: offer advice and get the word out there - all at the same time!
The format of this blog will be mostly Q&A. No names will be used and all anonymity will be respected. If a question is submitted that is out of my league, I will not attempt to answer, especially if there are legalities involved - other than that all areas are open! Nothing is taboo here!
To give you an idea of the range of topics I've discussed, I'll begin with a few posts from past conversations.
Feel free to send along your questions at any time!
Within the dark corners of our minds we all have questions that embarrass us. Questions that linger in our minds and take root somewhere near our hearts. When the words are at the surface, too close to ignore, we find ourselves stuttering and stammering over them. No doubt wondering why it is so difficult to bring them out into the light.
This blog has been created especially for those questions!
Why? you may ask ... over the years people have gravitated towards me to ask such questions. Their mouths form words as if I've given them an elixir of truth and their troubles are put out onto the table for me to see the entire deck of cards that they hold. After these truths have been heard, most listen to the advice I have to give and many return with a few more. One of particular note has even praised that my advice was better than her psychologist's!
Unfortunately, I do not have the time, money or inclination to go out and get another degree, and since I have no intention of setting up a practice any time soon, it seems ludicrous given my current circumstances (I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and think there are better ways to spend my time which do not include sitting in a classroom filled with people half my age!) so, a blog seemed like the best of both worlds: offer advice and get the word out there - all at the same time!
The format of this blog will be mostly Q&A. No names will be used and all anonymity will be respected. If a question is submitted that is out of my league, I will not attempt to answer, especially if there are legalities involved - other than that all areas are open! Nothing is taboo here!
To give you an idea of the range of topics I've discussed, I'll begin with a few posts from past conversations.
Feel free to send along your questions at any time!
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