beauty

The image of our body is something very personal and at the same time very public. Everyone and anyone can see your body. You can drop clothing over it, hide beneath layers and layers of fabric, or slip into something that shows off your curves. In our current culture, if you do not have the most popular of physiques, then you are on the edge. There is nothing you can wear that will bring you into the fold of the populace. You are an outcast.

This may sound a bit harsh to many of you, but I have found this to be true throughout the entirety of my life. It has taken me years to stop adhering to the common notions of beauty and find it within myself. Over these years I have learned that beauty is not static. Beauty is ever changing. Beauty is much, much more than skin deep.

I bring this topic to the fore for a few reasons. 

1) my body’s image has changed drastically within the past 2 years

2) my body’s image is still changing 

3) I need this reminder, just as much as anyone else.

So, I repeat: 

Beauty is not static. Beauty is ever changing. Beauty is much, much more than skin deep.

shades of twilight

For those of you who know me, you know my dislike for Twilight and Fifty Shades. Before I delve any further, let me dispel any such notions that you think my dislike is due to ignorance. That, I have not read the books, therefore I cannot possibly judge them. I have read the first two books in the Twilight series, and the entire three books of Fifty Shades.

While these series of books illustrates the dominant/submissive relationship they do so in an unhealthy manner. The dominant character controls every aspect of the submissive’s life. He decides what she wears, what she eats, which friends she sees, which activities she does, etc. Everything is controlled by the dominant. This dynamic is extremely prevalent within the romance genre, but it is not a healthy model for a good relationship. I repeat, because this is important, this is not a healthy model!

However, all of that being said, the Fifty Shades series has brought the world of BDSM into the mainstream. Lingerie stores, sex shops, theaters, and even cookbooks are taking the premise of this book and satirizing the hell out of it.   

As amusing as this is, this would not be possible unless the majority of people knew what the series was about. And, here comes the frightening part, at least for me. The majority of readers do not recognize that this is an abusive relationship. The majority of people do not realize that this is not the model for a dominant/submissive relationship.

If you are new to the world of S&M and have no idea what it entails, then this book could serve as a reference for you as long as you were able to remove the relationship dynamics illustrated within.

So, now that I’ve bashed a book series, let me offer you books that illustrate good relationships.

The first is Laurell K Hamilton’s Anita Blake and Merry Gentry series. These books offer a decent amount of sexy, lustful scenes, with a healthy dose of murder mysteries and paranormal activity. However, this series is not for you if you have no interest in reading stories about vampires, werewolves, fairies and other creatures of the nether realms. Also, the graphic violence that is present may not be for everyone.

The next series of books is The Black Jewels series by Anne Bishop. While this story takes place within the fantasy realm there are not many creatures of the night entwined and the violence is less graphic than LKH.

The final recommendation is Kushiel’s Dart by Jaqueline Carey. This author is new to me,  and I cannot say anything for other books in her series, but this book exhibited a strong female character that was submissive behind closed doors. 

I have yet to find books that are not within the fantasy genre to exhibit a healthy dominant/submissive relationship. If you know of one I’d be more than happy to check it out!

caveat

Admittedly, the majority of these posts have been about issues within a relationship, rather than explicit instructions on the execution of ecstasy. However, in order to have a strong physical relationship it is imperative to have a strong interpersonal relationship. If you bear with me for a few more posts about issues, I promise I'll get down to the nitty gritty details!

progenic choice

There's something innate, something untouchable about this next topic, and not in the look-but-don't-touch sense. The logical brain wants to take over, adhering to nothing but the facts.
I'm referring to the choice of having children or not.

For many, choice is not exactly a factor. One night of unprotected bliss and suddenly you find yourselves with another life to care for. Or you find yourself with another choice that needs to be made. Both of which will change your lives irrevocably, and while I could go into the musings behind each decision, I will not. It is a personal choice and only one that you and your partner can decide.

So, let's stop beating around the bush and return to the original topic: progeny.

Obviously, it is better to have this topic of discussion before things get all hot and heavy, but what happens when one wants to have children and the other doesn't? Is it possible to satisfy both?
In short, the answer is no.

The lengthy response is this:
It is important to note why one wants to have children. Do they think it is a biological imperative? That in order to be a functioning member of society one needs to have children to be successful? Or is it something more instinctual? The need to nurture others?

On the flip side of things: Did they have a difficult childhood? Are they afraid they will repeat the faults of their parents? Or is it that they value their autonomy and independence?

By answering these questions it will allow you to understand the other's perspective. Once you have that understanding you may be able to concede the other's choice and respect their decision. Or at least that is the hope.

In any relationship there is a time for compromise, but this is not one of them. The two of you need to agree on one choice or another. This may take months, or years, but in the end it needs to happen. Otherwise, one person is left forever wanting and the other is satisfied and a whole new slew of issues can arise from this. Such circumstances do not bode well for future endeavors.

So, talk about it. Hash it out. Scream and shout if you really need to, but do not ignore it.
On this subject, and possibly this one alone, it is NOT possible to agree to disagree.  

costume party

Another topic that appears to be common in relationships is clothing choice. Whether it is the every day attire, or just what is worn in the bedroom, conflicts can happen. How is the issue resolved without causing a fight? Is it possible to make two people happy at the same time if they have opposing views?

Let me set the scene: One person is wanting to find that perfect little dress to match those killer shoes, those little underthings to match that dress to make the whole outfit zing!
Their partner does not see the point of it all. The clothes will just end up in a heap on the floor within minutes. Why bother?

(Before I go any further I'd like to note that these views are not determined by gender! But it would appear that the old adage: 'opposites attract' is correct, otherwise this wouldn't be a topic of discussion!)

For some, a perfect outfit is a way to instill confidence. It gives the wearer a greater sense of who they are. It is a way for them to be unique among the crowd. Or, in some cases, a way to fit into the masses. Whatever the psychology behind it, it gives them the strength they need to deal with everything that gets tossed at them - think of it as armor against the atrocities of life in a world gone insane. Yes, I realize that this statement is a bit over the top, but it illustrates the idea I'm trying to convey.

For others, it is a simpler, base response. They find it attractive and arousing.

Since this is a blog about ecstasy, I am going to ignore the first reasoning and offer the answer to a question about the second: What happens when one person is aroused by clothing/costumes/lingerie and the other is not?

Now, you may think that this would be an easily answered question, but if there are other issues happening within the relationship, then things can get a bit sticky (and not in the fun way). This issue can snowball, turn into an avalanche sooner than expected and suddenly you've found yourself beneath the weight of sixty feet of snow. If you want to survive, the only answer is: pull yourself out!

And how do you do that?

Costume change! Stage left!

plus one = three?

Invariably this topic will be explored in a relationship, whether it is current or back in those wild and crazy college days. He's interested in having another woman in your bed, she's interested in having another man, they're both interested in having another woman, whatever the case may be there's discussion of another. (I'm going with the hetero/bi model here, not because of a bias, but because my experience has been talking with women married to men.)

I think the common professional notion about this is: if you are looking for sex elsewhere, then there is something deeply wrong with your current relationship. While sometimes this is definitely the case, what happens when it's not? What happens when your current relationship is filled with bliss, but it's one of those fantasies you've dreamed about but never acted upon? Is it really any different than buying lingerie that is not your usual style? Or suddenly deciding that always wearing your favorite baseball cap during sex is just the thing to do? Yes, these things appear to be smaller, but are they really? Aren't they just another aspect of your sexuality?

So, let's say that your current relationship is wonderful. There is no reason to call it quits and you're just looking to explore new things. If you've been in a short term relationship, I think this has potential. If you've been in a long term relationship it is also possible. The issues that can arise from such escapades are fast and furious, like a river flooding after the spring melt, but it is possible. IF you can find a stable person who is willing to join you. And that would appear to be the key factor!

This third person needs to be willing to wedge themselves between the two of you sexually, without getting too attached emotionally. You need to be upfront with them from the very beginning. Letting them know from the start your current relationship is solid and you do not want it to change. Is this possible? For some it will be, for others it is just asking for disaster.

When you add another person, you are not just adding in another body. There's a heart and mind attached, and for most, sex equals emotional attachment. Being completely honest in the beginning is insurance on the possibilities of later.

What happens if one of you falls for the third party? Well, then your relationship wasn't really as solid as you first thought and the act never should have happened, but since it did it can't be undone and that topic should probably be explored in another post.

the small stuff

In my last post I mentioned the little things (the kiss upon returning from work) and after some thought I realized that with the every day that's really what matters. The common saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff." does not apply. Yes, you read that correctly, but did you comprehend it? Really?

 In the beginning of your relationship you try some of these little things out, the small romantic gestures that are the tried and true expressions of your devotion. He'll bring you flowers and chocolates. You'll go see that action movie he's excited about. He'll make a fabulous dinner at his place, you'll bring dessert and you'll both decide that each other is more interesting than anything with chocolate icing. Remember those days?

They are not gone. They are not lost forever.

It's difficult to do these things, especially with kids and jobs and pets and ... the list of daily obligations goes on and on, but they are important.
So, sweat the small stuff, just a little and if you can think of one little thing that you haven't done in a few months - do it!